I know that life is not all peaches and cream. Life is tough sometimes but today is a day I really feel I'd like to have taken away.
I awoke with a gut wrenching pain realising Storm would not be in my bedroom doorway sitting neatly and quietly waiting to be fed. She would not meow and moew as I dished up breakfast. She would not groom on the dining room table before resigning to one of several slumber pads for the day. She would not be on the jungle gym when I returned home today from meetings to greet me.
I also had the macabre task of settling the vet bill today for her euthanasia which I found horribly terribly awful. I asked the receptionist if she had been cremated yet and she told me "no all the dead ones are in the back in the fridge until tomorrow when the van comes".
I am not overly sensitive but this just threw me. Could she not be a little more careful with her words man.
Why did I not just bring my girl home for a garden burial and be able to be at peace that she was now on her way to the other side in peace??!?!?
Why the hell did I make a hasty decision and now it will haunt me to know I let her end in this awful manner. A bloody fridge with other dead animals. I dont know what exactly I thought would happen but this did not actually form in my mind as the option.
I came home after this and had a terrible row with a lady at the complex gate which was partly her fault and very much mine because I was so upset I just mouthed off terrible words which could have actually been avoided.
I later went and found her car and rang the bell and explained and apologised.
She was gracious about it and quite kind too.
I feel angry angry angry with life right now and I feel like a little piece of my magic is gone.
I know I will heal and this too shall pass and Storm will find her path and that she felt nothing but loved but it doesn't make me feel ok right now and this is a time I wouldn't mind some instant gratification.
Thank goodness for Rescue tablets.
4 comments:
I'm sorry you had a bad day. It'll seem like every day is a bad day for awhile. Trust me I know. It was a struggle just to get out of bed some days. It'll be that way for awhile. Please try to remember her spirit and not her body. She's not there anymore, she's free.
I AM NOT THERE
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.
I am so sorry.
One time, when I put my Lacey Ann to sleep, the vet was just cruel with what he did afterwards in front of me.
I had gone there for years and never went back.
You really should say something to the main vet or go somewhere else next time.
And, this will pass ... it is just going to be hard for a while.
Hugs to you ...
We just read about Storm. We are so very sorry for your loss. And we're sorry today was not a good day. Our mom has been there...and knows how it feels...she says it will get better...it may not feel like it right now, but it will. We hope the good memories you have of Storm helps you through this difficult time...
Wally, Ernie & Zoey
Storm says, 'Mommy, Don't cry for me. I'm happy and healthy and at peace now. I loved living with you and my brothers. When I got sick I wasn't happy living like that with having to go to the vet all the time and not feeling well. I'm free now Mommy. I'm not in the fridge at the vet. Thats just my shell. I don't need it anymore. I'm running through endless fields of flowers chasing butterflies and crickets. Thank you for being my mommy and daddy and giving me such a good life.'
The lady from the vet was insensitive as many people are about our hurt feelings. I would find it impossibly hard to have to go to work after finding one of my darling kitties run over. But I would have to go and would inevitably end up in tears at work. We can't just switch off our feelings like a tap. Take time to mourn and take time to celebrate that Storm was in your life for so long and be thankful for all the love she gave you while she was here.
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