Today is mine and my husbands 2nd wedding anniversary. The day started nicely with Andrew looking after Becca and letting me sleep in. Unfortunately at 7:14am I gave up and got up because I could hear Becca crying and crying. She had tripped over the mat in her bedroom and with a new tooth making an appearance and being at the point of cutting through the gum, her coping skills are way down on the low to non existent side at the moment. It was a nice lie in anyhow and then Andrew made us coffee and he had bought me some lovely gifts making me feel spoilt but also guilty as I had not bought nor prepared ANYTHING for him, not even a card, not even a hand written note. I felt truly horrid for my lack of effort but Andrew isn't the type who gives to get or keeps score and graciously did not show any sign of disappointment if he did feel it.
I hope to do something nice for him this weekend, provided of course that I get a gap to do so.
Becca didn't give us much time to us as a couple this morning and Andy went to work and so my day kicked in with getting Becca bathed, fed her breakfast and bottle and down for a nap. She woke after only 30 minutes crying out and I suspect it was her tooth hurting. I had to get myself ready with her awake and niggling which is never fun. She usually sleeps a good 90 -120 minutes in the morning allowing me time to get the day underway and myself fed and dressed but of course with it being Clamber Club today and me really needing her to have a good sleep this morning she didn't!
Anyway, after much of a struggle to get Becca changed into suitable clothes for Clamber Club (she smashed her head into mine such a shot in pure temper that I thought my nose was broken), off we went.
Becca seemed a bit better in the Clamber Club indoor class than she was last week. The teacher even came across to say so. However this week she was crazy nuts with the outdoor activities which is more free play but today the teacher added a bit of structure to the outdoor play and well Becca was having non of it. She wanted to do what she wanted and not follow in a line and each have a turn to complete a type of toddler friendly obstacle course. She wanted to push in and go in front of toddlers still busy on it then some of the stuff she wouldn't do at all and she kept running to the other side of the garden wanting to do what had been set up for the older children class who were coming in for their class after ours. It was a nightmare again trying to keep Becca focused. Anytime I picked her up to bring her back to what we were doing she would thrash and scream. My wrist is aching from the battle to restrain her in my arms. At one point I squeezed her arm by accident as she thrashed and I almost dropped her and had to increase my hold. She screamed even louder and attracted even more attention to us. In my mind all I wanted to do was pick her up and smash her against the tree. I wanted to run away and opt out!!!! I wanted silence. I wanted to be alone. Of course I never would harm my child and the love I have never falters but I don't always LIKE her and what she is doing at every moment of the day. At this point I didn't like my Becca one tiny little bit. I was just waiting for class to end so I could put her in the car and drive away back to our bubble world where my shortcomings as a mom, disciplinarian and leader are not quite so obviously on display.
What will I do about this?!? Becca clearly hates structure and waiting her turn.
Now I know she is young but so too are every one of the other toddlers in that class and they are able to sit still, listen and co-operate and participate nicely. Yes from time to time one does also play up a little but their moms get them back on track pretty quickly when they do. Becca does not respond AT ALL when I call her name or make the action of "come back to mommy" with my hands.
I really am feeling a bit down in the dumps about it.
We have not been asked to leave yet so I will keep going and keep trying.
Then I get home and our Domestic worker has been doing WHAT for the last few hours I don't know. Nothing has been done since we left, house in chaos, Becca's room not cleaned so I had to delay her going down for a nap which caused even more upset.
Once I had Becca down I politely asked her what she had been doing and she told me ironing. It can not take from 8am - 1pm to iron one basket of items many of which were towels and dish clothes which don't even get ironed!
I was really livid and tried to have a talk to her but she marched off in a mood on me! I called her back and she just stood there staring at me saying nothing.
Disgusting!
And yet another example of how I clearly lack whatever it is that makes people respect and listen to a person. I am her Employer and she treats me like that when I dare to ask a question and try to talk about it. Not OK!
And then I make a cup of coffee and think I'll just come and sit nice and calmly on my own and blog and get all this frustration out onto a screen before I kill someone and my cat Diva, decides to run across my lap over my keyboard and want to be tickled non stop. After several minutes of tickling I tried to push her aside to do my own thing and she just carried on and started nipping at my fingers.
Good grief, no control of my cats, employees or child.
Then Diva calms the F down and I think "hooray, I have maybe 30 minutes of time I can take for myself" and the pool guy hoots at the gate wanting to come in again as they are installing a safety pool net today. I could have just thrown up in protest right there and then. Between the hooting and my Domestic Worker now smashing things around to show me she is pissed off, Becca is likely to wake any minute.
Tonight Andrew is taking me for dinner somewhere. My mom is coming over to babysit for a few hours.
I'm looking forward to it. I have not had the time to have my hair colour retouched or re-paint my toes and feel like a million bucks for our date but at 5pm I AM going to shower, shave and put some make up on and I AM going to have some wine with Andrew tonight and I AM NOT going to talk toddler, house or chores!
Tammy.... Tammy Lee Williams..... are you still in there? You are now Tammy Garratt, wife, mother, runner of the home but don't forget about Tammy Lee Williams. The girl who had spunk and flare and dreams. Don't ever forget yourself Tammy. Find the time to have 10 minutes to be Tammy Lee Williams every day.
2 comments:
This post reminded me of all my baby/toddler angst! And how all that frustration that I would experience in a day, nearly drove a wedge between me and my husband. It did, actually, drive a wedge! I remember not having time to sit in a hairdresser's chair for two hours! Not having any time to read! Not having time to breathe! I know it all so well. Been there. xxx
Was just catching up on your blog - havent had a chance to read it for a while and although this post is a bit older and you may feel differently now to how you did when you wrote it, I totally get how you feel. I used to be this attractive vibrant young girl who was the life and sould of any party and now I am a somewhat frumpy mom who cleans snotty noses, smelly bums and normally has baby spew on her shoulder - and although I wouldnt change my scenario for the world, I do sometimes miss Donna Lowry - the selfish all-about-me individual who had the hippest clothes, latest cd's and a permanent hangover :-)
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