I am so deeply sad about little Jack. I went back to my website photo's of Mia and her kittens and also old blog posts about them and have had a jolly good cry. Do I feel better? No not yet but my mom gave me a mental technique to use long ago when I had seen a particularly horrible thing happen to an animal and I believe I was truly traumatised by it. I would wake up at night because of it. My mom told me to talk about it as much as I needed to and NOT to block it out. She told me to actually go there, see it and look at it in its worst state in my minds eye. Feel the horror and just talk about it. She said that eventually at some point it would not be as horrific and as cutting as it was at first. She was right. I can now think about it and still know it was horrific but not fall apart at the memory anymore.
So that is why I am looking at these old pictures and old posts to feel all that pain and one day be able to think of Jack just as the beautiful strong 2 year old kitty that made us so happy.
I am also battling all over again with death. I'm not afraid of dying as such but my mind has a real battle with accepting that one day a young vibrant healthy human or animal is among us and playing/eating/running/laughing and the next they are gone just like that. No chance to say goodbye or do one last thing. It freaks me out badly.
I don't want to be here loving my cats, washing Andy's cycle kit, watching telly with him tonight, shopping with my Mom, talking to family on the phone today and then tomorrow be gone and they all suffer so much at the hole I leave behind.
It almost makes one want to live in isolation, not love and not make people love me back, not have cats. not have a baby because if I go I know they will be so sad just like I feel sad for all the dead people and animals I have known and loved.
I also think more about my dad when a death occurs which I have to say, 23 years later is still very sore.
Ag I wish we could all just stay alive and well hey.
Anyhow, the show goes on and this too shall pass but today I am sad.
2 comments:
So sorry Tammy. Its harder when sudden death occurs in a young and healthy animal. It is the right thing to confront this grief as it will help you to get through it. Thinking of you as you go through this. You and your mom.
Death is a transition, similar to stepping into the next room. Original Substance cannot die, only the body which is our vehicle on this plane does.
"Do not stand at my grave & weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints in the snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle Autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift up-lifting rush
Of quiet birds, in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave & cry;
I am not there, I did not die."
~ Native American Prayer
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